No, you wouldn’t be the type to hide away and lick your wounds. It’s a trait I admire, hiding just delays the inevitable and keeps one from enjoying life. Better to have loved and lost, hm?
[ Needless to say, this conversation is sobering him up quicker than his body can and he is silently cursing over it. ]
You had already helped me more than you needed to but I suppose dwelling on it now doesn’t do me any good. You did what you did and I’m grateful for it. When I needed help you gave it to me without a second thought. I don’t know why I chose that roof, I was never intending to go inside. I just wanted to catch my breath.
[ A partial truth, his wings carried him there because it was a safe, neutral space. Even though the two of them fought viciously at one point, he knew Greed would treat him fairly and not try to put an angelic weapon through his chest on sight. Their chats gave him an incredible amount of insight about not the man and the monster. ]
No! [ A bit calmer: ] No, I don’t need to know about your history. That isn’t what I was trying to say, I just wanted you to know that if something does happen, you can rely on me. If it makes it easier, I can say the Seal of Confession means I will never share your secrets.
I’m not dense, Greed, that has nothing to do with it. If you think I haven’t noticed? You’re wrong, you’re so very wrong. [ His voice is muffled as he scrubs a hand across his face, sighing against it. This wasn’t part of the plan tonight, he was just going to bullshit with him for a little while and go right back to the festivities.
Now he is visibly trying to tuck himself away into a corner to hide not just from prying eyes but also himself. Fuck, this is not how he wanted to do this. Did he even want to do this? God, he doesn’t even know himself anymore. ]
Do you know what it feels like to want for something that you shouldn’t? That you can’t have? You want everything, don’t you? I’ve never— [ He cuts himself off, switching the phone to his other ear. ] To be fed the tales of how vile and mindless Sinners are, of how they will be the thing that destroys us, how they will do anything to tempt an angel away from His Grace.
I thought there was something wrong with me. I’ve never felt want because I was never supposed to feel it. I expected it to wither on the vine but it has grown since that night. It was a dull roar before but now..
[ He closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of life on the other end of the phone because watching everyone else is distracting. If he doesn’t ground himself then he isn’t ever going to get this out. ]
You should’ve just let me stay in my head, it would have saved us both a little grief, but you just had to find a way in. I suppose that’s par for the course for you. [ He exhales through his nose, not quite getting the fully intended laugh out. Where a heart should be, he feels his chest begin to ache and places a hand over it, expecting to find a weeping wound. ]
If I knew what I wanted, this conversation would be a lot easier. [ Only two people have ever asked him what he wanted before and even then, he had no answer for the first one. He nearly lets it happen a second time but finds his mouth moving of its own accord. ] I want to know what this is.
Even if I’m damned because I pursued it, I want to know. To see it through.
no subject
[ Needless to say, this conversation is sobering him up quicker than his body can and he is silently cursing over it. ]
You had already helped me more than you needed to but I suppose dwelling on it now doesn’t do me any good. You did what you did and I’m grateful for it. When I needed help you gave it to me without a second thought. I don’t know why I chose that roof, I was never intending to go inside. I just wanted to catch my breath.
[ A partial truth, his wings carried him there because it was a safe, neutral space. Even though the two of them fought viciously at one point, he knew Greed would treat him fairly and not try to put an angelic weapon through his chest on sight. Their chats gave him an incredible amount of insight about not the man and the monster. ]
No! [ A bit calmer: ] No, I don’t need to know about your history. That isn’t what I was trying to say, I just wanted you to know that if something does happen, you can rely on me. If it makes it easier, I can say the Seal of Confession means I will never share your secrets.
I’m not dense, Greed, that has nothing to do with it. If you think I haven’t noticed? You’re wrong, you’re so very wrong. [ His voice is muffled as he scrubs a hand across his face, sighing against it. This wasn’t part of the plan tonight, he was just going to bullshit with him for a little while and go right back to the festivities.
Now he is visibly trying to tuck himself away into a corner to hide not just from prying eyes but also himself. Fuck, this is not how he wanted to do this. Did he even want to do this? God, he doesn’t even know himself anymore. ]
Do you know what it feels like to want for something that you shouldn’t? That you can’t have? You want everything, don’t you? I’ve never— [ He cuts himself off, switching the phone to his other ear. ] To be fed the tales of how vile and mindless Sinners are, of how they will be the thing that destroys us, how they will do anything to tempt an angel away from His Grace.
I thought there was something wrong with me. I’ve never felt want because I was never supposed to feel it. I expected it to wither on the vine but it has grown since that night. It was a dull roar before but now..
[ He closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of life on the other end of the phone because watching everyone else is distracting. If he doesn’t ground himself then he isn’t ever going to get this out. ]
You should’ve just let me stay in my head, it would have saved us both a little grief, but you just had to find a way in. I suppose that’s par for the course for you. [ He exhales through his nose, not quite getting the fully intended laugh out. Where a heart should be, he feels his chest begin to ache and places a hand over it, expecting to find a weeping wound. ]
If I knew what I wanted, this conversation would be a lot easier. [ Only two people have ever asked him what he wanted before and even then, he had no answer for the first one. He nearly lets it happen a second time but finds his mouth moving of its own accord. ] I want to know what this is.
Even if I’m damned because I pursued it, I want to know. To see it through.